Friday, September 23, 2011


Sometimes I just want to die.
My disgust with this life overcomes my fear of death.
This disgust frightens me more than death, apparently.
I see meanness, insolence, stupidity, greed, banality,
and come to the conclusion that I am living in a madhouse.
Man's nature has gotten worse.
People who I have shared my thoughts with say that I should seek the help of a psychiatrist; but there is no help because the psychiatrists are a part of the problem. Sometimes sane people want to die, for very good reasons. Some of these are nagging illnesses, physical or mental pain, or a lifetime of shit luck.
They have the go-ahead as far as I'm concerned.
Just don't make it messy, so someone has to clean up after you.
Nothingness has no pain.
I feel that the afterlife has no devils, no fire and brimstone, no palace in the sky, no golden gates, and no benificent, elderly, grandfather type with striking good looks, flowing robes, and shocking white hair and beard.
All I desire is a peaceful eternal sleep much like the non-existence I had before I came into being. Who knows?, maybe this is all a part of that dream, anyway.
I know I have seen too much...done more than my share of work and play...I had so much joy and pain. I had a good/bad life. I'm just sick of more of the same.
I no longer fear death...yet I won't take my life. I'll trudge on and search for glimmers of light. I'll sit in this "waiting room" of the present moment, until my number is called. Then I'll have to check out, hopefully on my terms. I want no brass bands, no fanfare, no tombstone, no big deal...'cause I just want to die.

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