THE THREE DOLLAR MOVIE SHOW

For a mere three bucks, a person can still view a current full-length feature film on the big screen. There a variety of reasons however, that it comes so cheap! The seats in the theatre are dilapidated and caved in, from 300 lb. popcorn eaters who have been lounging in them for the past 40 years. The floors in these mom-and-pop kinda' shows are rarely mopped. Your shoes stick to the floors like a fly sticks to fly paper. Women bring their screaming brats to these cheapie shows. There are a lot of people with NASCAR t-shirts who have missing teeth, and they always sit right in front of you. They talk and laugh during the movie and usually smell of body odor and whiskey. The movie screen has a hole in it the size of a tennis ball, which distracts me every time I am there. My feature film always seems to be in the #4 viewing room where the holey screen exists.

The movie reels are pretty beat up by the time they make it to these type of movie theatres. The kids who work at the concession stands always burn the popcorn; and I have to fight for air due to my emphysemic lungs. The air-conditioning is set really high, so that the movie show owner saves money on his bill in the summer. Conversely, in the winter the thermostat is set really, really low!...brrrrrr.

My wife, Debbie loves these theatres. I can't figure it out. I hate crowds and waiting in line for anything. I'd rather rent two movies for two bucks, order a pizza and stay in the comfort of my own home. I can always "pause" the movie when I need to 'tinkle', (which is often). Plus, I don't have to worry about anyone smashing into my new sedan in the parking lot. At home I can burp and fart at will, and take my socks off. I can't scratch my balls or sit in my underwear at the movie show. For me, the best way to see a movie is in TOTAL comfort. I like my home theatre system with the big screen HDTV. I like my surround sound system. The sounds pulsate through my body with such force, I would be worried if I had a pacemaker! Now that's "total experience".

I have three remote controls I don't understand, 969 channels I don't use, pornography, games, and every single sporting event known to mankind. All this stuff, shows and re-shows 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! As long as there is a phone and I can order carry out food, I never have to leave home...unless I want to go to the gym or a wake/funeral. I hate when someone dies and screws up my viewing schedule...especially on weekends. I save a lot of gas money by staying at home, too!

When I ramble on like this, my wife looks at me incredulously and walks away shaking her head in disgust. She just doesn't get it! Women are certainly strange creatures. Oh well, pass the popcorn.

(excerpt from "A Spider in the Corner of my Mind"...available on Amazon.com)