I FEEL MOST ALIVE...(a love story)

i feel most alive...
when i'm "clocked" by someone in the jaw.
when i cheat death, time after time.
i feel most alive when i physically exhaust myself.
when i look up at the sky, instead of down at my shoes.
I feel most alive in secret embraces...
with supple, young women...
intelligent, banal, cultured, who deserve me.
i feel most alive in love...
with a woman who has lived with me for half my life.
we are two birds of a feather...locked in love together.
i feel most alive,
when i have the ultimate, defining, spiritual experience...
or when i see that science, not religion, answers all questions.
does god exist?
i feel most alive...
when i am told,
i only have six months left to live.
then, everything becomes clearer to me.
my mind learns true horror, and acceptance.
then i breathe and become a feather.
i float on the winds of eternity.
i feel most alive when i rise above these words.
then i let nature cuddle me...
like a baby wrapped in a soft blanket.
i feel most alive when i don't disregard...
all these feelings.
then, i can feel alive all the time.
in good times and bad...
through contentment and misery...
through hate and love...
through chasteness and sexuality...
through monetary success and failure...
through fellowship and abandonment...
i feel most alive.
in madness and clarity of thought...
i covet more and find i need less.
all these things make me,
feel most alive.
my mind twists and turns...
it fools me again and again...
now, surely i know...
i feel most alive.
do you?
when they put us in our boxes...
and we fly away...
off into eternity...
gleefully.
hopefully.
will we feel most alive?
will we pretend we are comic book heros?
vagabonds?
space cowboys and cowgirls?
infintessimely alive?
can you feel it?
we are flying...
most alive...
onward...
undisturbed...
unperturbed...
will you come with me?
i promise,
i will breathe your name,
with every exhalation.
and feel most alive.