Monday, February 8, 2010


Guys in their 60's are driving around in muscle cars right now, playing Surfer Girl on their six-speaker CD players. The dial is turned up to full blast, man! It's 'cause the dude doesn't wear his hearing aids...It just doesn't look cool to be wearing those old hearing aids. Hey man!!!...This dude has his shit together! Can you imagine what his 60-year-old surfer girl would look like in a thong? Arrgh! The picture wouldn't be pretty. I can visualize the dried, saggy, cellulite-laden skin, and those icky, varicose veins. But hey!...60 is the new 40, don't you know?
Some of the wonders available to my fellow Baby Boomers in this miraculous day and age are: face lifts, liposuction, derm abrasions, lap band surgeries, rhinoplasties, breast implants, penile implants, Viagra, Cialis, pheremones, tanning booths, deep tissue massage, (with or withou full release), pedicures, manicures, health clubs, diet programs, ad infinitum.......
Somehow, when I see a 70 year old woman in a micro-mini skirt and five- inch stilletto heels, if just doesn't work for me! I am frightened that this "dear one", might fall, and suffer a hematoma with every shaky step she takes. Yeah, we sure don't like aging gracefully in America. I knew I was getting old when I chose to fart in the gym, and not care who was around to hear or smell the noxious gases leaving my colon. This is one of the simple joys of old age! We are solid in our maturity, and care less what others might think of us. This action puts an exclamation point on pure, personal freedom.
I don't even want a big Harley anymore. I'm afraid my battered legs won't support the weight of the big machine. I am sure my reaction time would cause me to wipe out, and splatter my elderly body on some highway, like road kill. A little Vespa motor scooter seems a more logical choice to me. They get better mileage than the big old hogs anyway. I realized this year, that no matter how much time I spend in the gym, pumping iron, and running on the treadmill, that when I lift my arms up and hold them out, my old man skin is going to hang off of them like chicken fat. This is a major bummer for me. I can't afford plastic surgery. Oh well, I just won't hold my arms out like that in front of any chicks! I'll keep them tucked in and flexed! Also, I'll walk around with my stomach sucked in, and my chest puffed out. Hey! I'm still a babe magnet after living on this earth for 61 years man!
After I strut my stuff in the gym, I go home, check my emails, shower, and eat a killer lunch. Usually I fall asleep in my lazy-boy chair around three in the afternoon. My nicotine gum is still in my mouth, and chokes me sometimes. I'm supposed to pick up my wife from work at the college at five-o'-clock. I freak out when she calls, asking me where the hell I am! Thank God that the college she works at is only 2 blocks from the house. I say, "Five minutes honey, I fell asleep again". I hear her laughing in the background, as I hang up the phone. Now that I've slept the afternoon away, I'll be up all night watching television. Maybe if I bought that red, V-8 Mustang, convertible muscle car, I wouldn't nap so much! Vroooom! Vroooom!

from: "A Spider in the Corner of My Mind"...available on

1 comment:

  1. LMAO!! I laughed the entire time I was reading this. AWESOME!!!! I decided about 4 yrs ago I was either going to age gracefully or, live the rest of my journey miserable. Obviously, like you I decided I am going to enjoy the last leg of my journey as much as I enjoyed the first!! I look at myself as a colorful canvas & each age line,etc represents another landmark on my journey. I still feel eighteen in my heart & at that is all that matters. I still smile like a little girl & I live life as if I was seeing it all for the first time. You look fabulous don't change a thing we like you just the way you are. Great work!!!