I hate wearing hearing aids. I have these state-of-the-art, digital hearing aids. I never wear them anymore. You can't wear a hat with them, because the feedback noises are intolerable. The hearing aids can't be worn in the rain, or at the gym. The batteries are always deciding to die, when I need them the most. I always forget to carry the spares. I have to fiddle around with them constantly to adjust the volume for each situation I encounter. At night they have to be dismantled and cleaned, or else they plug up with ear wax. Who the hell wants to do this much work?...Not me, baby!
It's a lot easier for me, staying deaf! I just nod my head and smile all the time. This works for me. Nobody cares what I think anyway, and they are happy that I agree with them, because I am smiling. This simple gesture always works! I bring my wife with me to important events to whisper, or rather, SCREAM, important information into my ears, to let me know what another individual wants me to understand. I just pretend I am in Japan, and that she is my interpreter. I need her sometimes to help me sell my books or paintings, at book signings and art openings.
Another benefit of being deaf, is not being able to hear the terrible things people say about me. I just keep smiling, nodding my head in affirmation. What a joy! This must really piss-off my enemies! It's fun to pretend you don't hear certain instructions, when you'd rather be doing other things. My wife will say: "Didn't you hear that I wanted you to pick up my dry cleaning, today?" I say, "No dear, I must not have heard you." It's as simple as that. I am off the hook! As you can see, deafness certainly has its advantages. These salient qualities I have elucidated about deafness, might come in handy for you someday!
Another thing I hate to do, is to brush my teeth, and floss after each-and-every meal. I have to floss, and water-pic the hell out of myself, because I am a geezer and have advanced periodontal disease. I must attend to this grave matter! I want to keep most of my teeth, until they put my ashes in a fancy, psychedelic urn. Plastic "choppers" have to be a bummer. You don't taste your food as well with these devices, and you have to clean the yucky, day-old food out of them!
Another problem I have, is with the blood thinners I take for my cell coagulation levels. They make my gums bleed if I get to over-aggresive with my water-pic. I can visualize the headlines right now: "Man bleeds to death in bed." "Wife sues Barr Pharmacueticals, Walgreens, and the manufacturing company that makes the Water-Pic." My sweet wife is going to make out like a bandit! God bless America! If I need any dental work done, I have to nix the blood thinners for a couple of days and take penicillin so my oral bacteria won't compromise the Gortex bypasses I have in my femoral arteries. Being off the blood thinners for a couple of days, freaks me out! What if I die from a pulmonary embolism? At least my teeth wil be clean and shiny, and debbie will make sure I am wearing clean underwear before the ambulance comes to take me to intensive care! It's sure hard work, getting older!
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It sure the hell is hard work, but the rewards of having a woman like Debbie makes it worth it. I don't think my hubby would make sure I have clean undies on when the ambulance comes to get me! xxoo
ReplyDelete@Debbie, LOL, You are PRICELESS !!
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