Saturday, March 13, 2010


Every morning in the spring, I start a ritual of checking the box scores and standing of my beloved Chicago White Sox. I also check the other team in town. They have a nauseating name..."The Cubbies". The anemic, pencil-necked sports fans, who live on the North side of Chicago, lovingly call them by this moniker.

I rarely watch baseball games. They are too slow for me, and I get bored easily. Watching baseball is like watching turtles screwing. I hate the outcomes of these games as well. I yell and cheer for three hours, only to have the "South-side-hitmen get whooped in the final innings of the game. This really pisses me off! I realize that I have just wasted three hours of my life. I could have taken a nap, for crying out loud!

Football has always been more fun. Violence occurs on every play, and I don't care if my Chicago Bears lose, as long as they physically kick the shit out of the opposing team. Modern day baseball players are overpaid and they whine all the time. The "corporates" own all the good seats in the ball park. Guys like me get nose bleeds from sitting in the upper deck or way out in the bleachers. It still costs me a couple-hundred-bucks to bring my gnarly old ass, and a starry- eyed kid out to a ball game.

I make it a rule, never to watch my team if they are doing well. For some odd reason, when I watch the games, I jinx them! Today, I started watching the Cubs and Sox play, in the cross town classic. The game was played in beautiful Wrigley Field. I had my Chicago beef sandwich, a bottle of pop, a bowl of fruit and some veggies on my end table. The screen door was open, a gentle breeze blowing inside the house, to cool me off. The sun was shining. My big ass was snug in my leather lazy boy chair, and my feet were comfortable, being propped up by my favorite pillow. The White Sox took an early lead. My belly was full, and all was well until the seventh inning, when all hell broke loose!

The Cubs hit two back-to-back home runs to tie up the game at 3 a piece...I shut the damned TV set off, and went off mumbling to myself, cleaning up dishes, and tinkering with things in the house, the way old men do. It started raining, so I sat down to write this story. When I finished, I tuned in to the six-o'-clock news. They found a five-foot alligator in the Chicago River, and oh yeah, the Cubs beat the White Sox with a homer in the ninth inning. The final score was 4 to 3. I told yah! Baseball is a waste of time! I can't wait for the Bears pre-season games in August. Baseball sucks!

From: "A Spider In The Corner Of My Mind"....available on