THE THREE DOLLAR MOVIE SHOW

For three bucks, a person can still see a current, full-length, feature-film on the big screen. There are reasons however, that the movie show comes so cheap! The seats in the theatre are dilapidated, and caved in from 300-lb. popcorn eaters who have been sitting in them for the last thirty-years. The floors in this type of movie theatre, are rarely mopped. Your shoes stick to the floor, like flies stick to fly-paper. Women bring their screaming brats to these cheapie shows. There are a lot of people with NASCAR t-shirts, and missing teeth, sitting right in front of you. They always talk during the movie, and usually smell like whiskey. The screen has a hole in it the size of a tennis ball, which distracts me every time I am there. Our feature film always seems to be shown in the #4 viewing room, where this holey screen exists. The movie reels are beat up, by the time they make it to these cheap shows. The kids at the concession stand, always burn the popcorn, and I have to fight for breath, due to the smoke from burning oil, which attacks my emphysemic lungs. The air-conditioning is set real high, so that the theatre owner saves money on his electric bill. Usually, I am hot, sweaty, and disgruntled, when I leave the "cheapie" movie house.

My wife, Debbie loves these theatres. i can't figure her out. I hate crowds and waiting in line. I'd rather rent two movies for two bucks, order a pizza, and stay in the comfort of my own home. I can always pause the movie, when I need to "tinkle" in my bathroom. Plus, I don't have to worry about anyone smashing into my new sedan in the parking lot. At home, I can fart and burp at will, and take my socks off. I can't scratch my balls and sit in my underwear at the movie show. For me, the best way to see a movie, is in total comfort. I'm trying to convince my wife to let me purchase a nice 60" flat screen TV with all the bells and whistles. I can add a nice surround sound system to it. I'd like the sounds to pulsate through my body with so much force, that if I had a pacemaker, it would never need a new battery! Now, that's what I call a total movie viewing experience! I can buy 3 remote controls, I don't understand, Tivo, 969 channels I don't use, all the extra movie options, pornography stations, games, and every single sporting event known to mankind, which shows and re-shows the events, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!

As long as I can order carry-out food, I never have to leave my den, ever again... except to go to work out at the gym, or to the Funeral Home, if somebody I know happens to die and screw up my viewing schedule. Just think of the gas money I will save! When I ramble on like this, my wife looks at me incredulously and walks away, shaking her head in disgust. She doesn't get it. Women are certainly strange creatures. Oh well. Pass the popcorn.

from: "A Spider in the Corner of My Mind"....available on Amazon.com.