WHAT DO I ABSORB?

What do I absorb? Do I absorb cancer producing agents from my Splenda? I love Splenda! When I put it in my coffee every morning, I wince with fear till that first sip...Ahhhhhh! Then I put my fears aside, and cast my fate to the wind. It's worth the risk, that damn coffee tastes so good and sweet! Then I proceed to the gym, supposedly to get healthy. I smell the cleaning agents they use in the towels. Hmmmm....wonder if these cause Cancer? I pull the cap from my vitamin drink and wonder, "do I absorb noxious chemicals from the recycled plastic along with all those wonderful vitamins? Hmmmm.

I stopped showering at the gym...I read an article which claims that humid gym shower rooms are breeding grounds for strange fungi which cluster in the shower heads and on the floors. No one would want to absorb that stuff! I towel off, and throw on some clean sweats so I don't get my car seats wet. Once at home, I immediately throw all my wet gear into the washing machine. I make sure to use the "green" type laundry detergent without phosphates, which pollute our drinking water, and prevent eczema on my tender, old-man skin. I take a shower and apply a variety of things to safeguard myself. Antifungals, dry skin lotions, analgesics for my arthritic knees, under arm deodorant...(Old Spice, which every man's Dad used...its the stick type, which doesn't put dangerous hydrocarbons in the atmosphere), and after shave lotion. I absorb alot of stuff after my shower, see? When I microwave my veggies for lunch, I am afraid they might absorb the carcinogens from the plastic envelope which they are contained in...hmmm...Who cares!...They taste yummie! I try not to peer into the microwave oven's door, as my package goes 'round-and-'round. I read somewhere that microwaves can cause brain tumors. I sure don't want to absorb those microwaves! I sit at the computer screen and the television for about 5 hours a day. I wonder if I am absorbing dangerous things, through my eyeballs? Plus, there is always the risk of brain tumors from using my cell phone. Thank God, I rarely use that damned modern convenience.

I try to absorb knowledge by reading, networking, and exposing myself to new ideas. When I think about it, life is all about absorption and elimination. I enjoy a good "elimination" every morning, after I drink my tainted coffee! I hope that when my time is up on earth, and I am eliminated, that I can be absorbed into a heaven with 30-year-old, single malt Scotch, thousands of beautiful young women, and just me! Can you fella's out there absorb that mental picture? I sure can!